what i'm getting

a year after our so-called resolution
my heart runs back to thoughts of you
the more i think about our so-called friendship
the more it remains my ideal relationship

we're having the relationship i can't have

i'm a drunk democrat


bill clinton on the view

you will be one too

gravel

i look at you sleeping
sleeping as i wish i could
i look at paris
finding it
breathing it

someday i want to be as quiet
and lovely

someday i want to be
in your dreaming eyes

it might be bloody
it might be horrific
but i want to be with you
there

smiling and sleeping and seething

nasty pussy

once again, a worthy embed.

the montauk project

i talk on the phone all day. its a job, and i've gotten used to it. there are still some things that i don't understand, and since i'm here i figure why not talk about them since i haven't posted anything worth anything in over a month.

in this age of communicatorial diarreah, where with each turn of a corner we are inundated with new ways to electronically piss in each others ears, we have finally come to the point where, yes, even the stupid people can use the higher end technology, and too often, much too often, they do. it's as if just because the phone is there and in their hands/pockets/purses/manbags they must find an excuse, any excuse to use it. i have felt that feeling, staring bored waiting for a bus to whisk me away to some new magical adventure, and suddenly my hand opens my phone and i look through the contacts, wondering who wants to hear the wonderful melodic lilt of my voice. i know the temptation. but i also don't give in.

the message here is quite simply, if you don't need to make the phone call don't do it. no one wants to talk to you. you are not special. your child is not special. nothing in your life is special. and no one cares.

that sort of was a lame rant wasn't it. not any of the OOMPH that i used to have. i'm trying to get that back. but i guess i have to practice. i haven't been mean enough lately. haven't hung out with Q enough lately, haven't done much of anything productive lately. sure i have something that makes me happy and delirious and crazy and i'm not talking about WOW. but i need to get my edge back. so i may throw up a few lousy posts, i may talk about things that nobody wants to hear about, but i don't care. this is about my damage too.

Sunday School

A song called Sunday School...

Because I'm gay for Jesus,
Fill me with your grace.
I said pour your love all over me,
But please aim away from my face.

Bo Burnham
Sunday School
Bo Fo' Sho'

Damage - House

Reasons why I won't got to YOUR house.

1. MY house has high-def cable.
2. MY house has internet.
3. MY house has comfortable furniture.

But Mostly...

4! MY house has a roommate that is NICE to house guests.

Galleria Damage - Your Mom

Because,

Your mom is a drunk!

hellfire

think of hellfire. the brilliance. the molten sulfuric nature of the world.

i smell damage, and sometimes it smells like sulfur.

sifl

i miss sifl and ollie so bad.....

hotlanta

i always wondered why they called it hotlanta

now i know

life in oz

i just read an article from an australian newspaper that says that a survey taken in 2006 came back with the result that most same-sex partners in oz didn't want marriage, or as they put it they didn't want a 'formal arrangement'.

what this goes to exemplify is the way that in this fucked up social swirly that we call the gay community there are a small group of people fucking it up for the rest of us. getting married might be sort of neat-o and shit but it's not something that a great majority of the gay community actively wants. but then we get those nose in the air jetta driving fags with the hrc sticker on the back of their cars (or the back of their necks) that like the poor kid eyeing the rich kid's sneakers burn with some sort of envy for everything that they haven't gotten or don't have. so they cry discrimination tearing at the collar of their express men v neck t shirt out of frustration and demand equality when most of the community is just fine without it.

now i do think that gay marriage is a good idea, but i don't like us begging and threatening and pleading and screaming for it. just like women's suffrage it will come in time and no amount of money from the gill foundation is going to speed that up.

rant rant rant poop.

he loves me, no?

I've been trying to remain aloof about our current affair, but the evidence of our affection is often damning. I missed him while I was away, even when I really tried not to feel any emotion about breaking our routine.

I'm worried that my insecurities forbid me from believing in, seeing through, or even imagining what might (or might not) be happening. Am I confident enough to accept what I want? Will my feigned disinterest drive him away? I hate when fear runs into the space of my imagination.

Damagewatch: IRC Damage

[joshtheripper] Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
[knavebrad] nope
[joshtheripper] kool
[joshtheripper] How well does it handle blacks
[knavebrad] I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

gentle sighs of disbelief

someone at work today asked me if i was going to get married. now some of you know that a long time ago i would have gotten married, but then again back then i was a dumbass that not only ruined my life but the lives of those around me with every blind turn i made. but when it comes to now i can't really say for sure either way.

i guess i could say that i'll wait til it's legal but that would be just a cop out. call me brangelina or something and throw me on a pink website with cum dripping out of my mouth. it's not something that i have really thought about since all the way back then, and now everything is so different. i'm older, but that's a given. i would like to say i'm wiser but maybe i should just say that i'm more experienced. but that is a decision i wouldn't even be prepared to make even if i was a little more traditional.

in an earlier post i mentioned my wife. it was a joke done for his sake mostly but my co-worker asking me that question today sort of made me think. am i ready to make that committment? am i ready to be with someone for the rest of my life? and i honestly don't know. unfortunately most gay men rarely ever confront that question, and i think that more should. sure, there are a mulititude of couples screaming out right now for equal rights and all that nonsense, but what is a marriage but an antiquated custom? at the heart of it really is a simple public announcement of two people that enjoy spending time together solidifiying that emotional contract.

and thinking more, i can almost agree with the religous right's claim that the gay's are trying to ruin marriage. i know. bad fag. but it might be a good thing. we strip down all marriage whether it be gay or straight and take away all governmental priveledges that have been assigned to a mostly religous tradition and bring it back to the simplistic ceremony it started as 1000's of years ago . maybe that's what we should be fighting for, true equality outside of the law, not just within it. equality of souls, not just the bodies they reside within. the reason why this is even plausible is that, in reality, we need to change our paradigm, not just some laws, in order to acheive any sense of equality or understanding.

illegal activity

so i am at work right now. it bring me back to when i used to do this every day all day long. i would sit at my workstation and have the little blogger window in the background and between the screams of the innocent and the howls of the judged i would write some fantastically stupid shit that didn't always quite make sense. but a lot of people used to read my old blog for a while. so if i start to do this again maybe i can get readership up and also maybe write some real posts like i used to rather than just random pictures of asian penises and movies about the kkk. plus, i think that since i'm at work my brain is already stimulated and my posts should be slightly more high minded. plus i can't do the whole picture or video thing here anyway due to the firewall. it was like training a crack ho to sit still. see, like right there it just took me 15 minutes to write this sentence. i'm starting to think that things are getting back to normal, or hell even better. we'll see.

how do you like your steak?

so my wife has this fascination with asian culture, or as he puts it

AZN

so in honor of him, behold:

Galleria Damage : Kunta Love

Aged

Are birthdays meant to be celebrated?
'cuz I don't want a party this year.

Hooray for getting older.
More hooray for getting wiser.

Ringy Dingy, bitch!

Rule #415
(dedicated to That Guy)


Don't tell a bitch you're gonna call when you ain't plan to call.

Be man (or woman) enough to be honest about your intentions. Although it is my damage, I still feel like I'm not worthy a little bit on the inside. I can own my shit.

Own your shit and tell the truth about where you are.

Boys, just call when you say you'll call. Even if it's to say, "No, thank you."

Get a Comb, bitch! (pt. 2)

Rule No. 85:
Do your hair.

Comb it, style it, shave it.
Just don't go out in public looking sloppy, on purpose especially.

For more info see Part 1.

now thats what i call art

i wonder if this installation is coming to denver?

johnny are you queer?

another blast from the past. remember when tim hardaway said he was homophobic and ann coulter said that john edwards was a faggot? i think this deserves to be resurrected.

rule # 21 - everything old can be new again.


the grim reality of ann coulter is that her remarks weren't entirely accidental. with the race for the presidency already in full swing what better way to make the sheeple look away from the drunken puppetmastery that has killed so many of their brave and obedient sons and daughters than to pick at the scabs of their hemorraged insecurties.

i know i sound like the looming shadow of darth emo, but for every one, person who stands up and realizes the inhumanity of the neocon crusade against a segment of society who are simply asking everyone to destigmatize an alternate expression of love there are those bizarro world born inbreds who think, and i quote, 'first that black guy that bounces a ball for a living and now the hot chick with the adams apple... wooeeee roscoe thats a call for our fag bashin sticks, we can cover up that tape of your sister and the donkey with somethin' else.'

it is reverse psychology used in the most insidious way. by making hate a public slander that is universally reacted to with disgust and disgrace, especially from someone, such as tim hardaway, that is supposed to be a role model, the reactionary zealots see that as a limitation to their freedoms and essentially becomes the proverbial feather tickling the toe of the sleeping giant.

ignorance in any form is viral, and multiplies faster than you can say ozark teen pregnancy. and like nuclear fission research in third world countries, ignorance inevitably acts as the calvary generals saber, a seemingly bright beacon that only leads to despair.

we can, like you, hope that this time more people wake up and smell the rotting white sheets they've worn to protect their private prejudices (or for some their private shame) and from the long sleep of supposed moral socialism to defend their ideals from this corporate sponsored second coming of blind imperialism.

wow. i used to use a lot of big words.

girl pants and pbr: where did we go wrong

i have to admit that in the past few months i have induldged in the dirty habit of drinking pbr. but when i do so i don't pay 3 dollars for a can of it at some psuedo dive bar that for kitsch value has a mohawk donned fag pretend to dj and play bizarre retro dvd's. i sit alone in the dark, or sometimes with the posse, and wish i had enough money to enjoy a real drink. in other words, i don't advertise the fact that, on occasion, i drink shitty beer. so on my nightly walks imagine the horror i felt witnessing not one, but multiple people walking down the street in girl pants drinking pbr as they mosyed from place to place. oh, and to clarify this was boys in girl pants.

10 years ago we used to roam the streets, like any respectable vagabond would, with our jnco baggies and our clandestine flasks of mountain dew and vodka. our poison was quick, our pants comfortable and in some cases functional. but i still have to think that this new epidemic is somehow our fault, somehow we paved the way for this abomination.

maybe it was when we stopped listening to nine inch nails and started listening to belle and sebastian. maybe it was when we decided to classify ourselves gen x and look down mockingly on this new gen why or whatever they want to call it. i really don't know but i can't help but feel that somehow it is our fault.

or maybe i just feel guilty for listening to my chemical romance.

Get a comb, bitch!

We're seeing more of this mess every day-- Fags 21-40 with messy hair all piled up on the top of their heads, faking out a mock of a false mohawk. What's this damage of flip-flopped ex-A&F, toilet-swirly brats all wanting to all look alike? They look like suburban republican kids and their pedophile Mr. Mom stepdads. Get a grip, Mary. Swish if you want to, but get your own damn beat. Who would've ever thought gays would be endearing capitalist trappings and white-washed facades. Someone get some Manic Panic up in here!

the past: almost

this post was on another site. i called it raising arizona.

breathe in

i've thought a lot about karma in the past few days, and karma has nothing but a fucking twisted sense of humor.

i became so stressed out i lost my voice. it wasn't alcohol or cigarettes or any other body damaging vices; those i kept in check. just at one point, i couldn't speak. maybe it was psychosomatic, and it was my higher self knowing that the foul thoughts that were circling my head should never be spoken like the infinite names of cthulu. or conversely, maybe i knew i had said enough, damning most with half sermons even hypocrites like ted haggard would be proud of.

(for example, at one point over the past week i announced that if someone had come hundreds of miles to embarrass themselves and everyone around them then they should all go to their hotel rooms now satisfied with a big fat mission accomplished, and if they needed any other motivation my foot in their ass was a handy option.)

now, alone for the first time discounting sleep in 2 weeks, i get electronic pleas for forgiveness. thanks for your hospitality....sorry you can't go to that bar for a few weeks... i meant i love you like a brother... i'm sure he'll speak to you in a couple weeks... just tell them i did it... i'll make it up to you....

am i bitter and selfish if i don't forgive? am i wrong to want to punish those that have wronged?

i know it sounds like gay drama, but i'm honestly not prone to that in real life, i just play a disgruntled fag on tv. i shouldn't care about my reputation, my social standing, but i do. and when i'm associated with a herd of drunk guys who don't realize that denver really is a mile high and unless you live here you should really watch your intake, or have my connections look at me sideways because i associate with the type that can't walk around the bar without exaggerating their inebriation, is that reason enough to condemn and chastise because it inconvenienced me?

if you didn't live your life right the first time, don't make me relive it all in one weekend as a learning experience.


although not related to my last post, this is an example of things that i used to write almost every day. why i started this blog in the first place. i need to get back there.

sordid kinda life

i thought about him a few times tonight. i saw a guy that sort of looked like his brother, the brave gay one that came out when he was 18 and didn't get married staring down a double barrel of a trust fund. i thought about where i would be.

we would be scrounging for cash, him between jobs and i mired in mine. we would be drowning our sorrows in local publicity, making our name from bar to bar; more to feed our habits and less to actually be personable. on weekends we would see his kids and visit their 'normal' life with a mother that sees us in the same frame as the sixth grade art project on the fridge. we would fight over missing time spent with each other, a forgotten glance or a missed word.

we would be right where we are right now.

but we would be together.

moderate singing

i went home tonight
and listened to mild musings
and thought a little

it
never happens this way
it shouldn't happen
this way

when i breathe

to the tv viewers

jack bauer had a black president and look what happened

hell

read this to the tune of this

(or this --q)

Damage Watch : February

WHOAH!
It's Black History Month.
I don't really know the rules of how this works.
So are we allowed to write about international black women?
What about people that aren't black.
Because I guess the Aborigines aren't black?

Okay anyway though... there was this war once called the Black War (wikipedia will tell you about it), and it starred this lady named Truganini (yeah she uses only one name), and she was a total fighter for women's rights and stuff.

This is her picture.

Happy Black History Month!

lost found empty

1994 he found me
1998 I lost him
because of me
my fear
my withdrawal
no confidence in joy

ten years later his tears rust my face
it's part of my damage
he will never go away

i worry that his love for me
was my one good chance
maybe my last dance

one more time
it's really all i need
enough disco for me

will i be found again?

something for everyone

co-post eilujsion

"...and on Halloween I dress as a, slave owner..."

Damage Watch : Mormons/Masturbation

Overcoming Masturbation

---

Masturbation is a quickly-forming habit that can adversely affect both men and women of all ages. Despite what some might tell you, masturbation is not harmless. If you are trying to overcome masturbation, be assured that it is possible (even though, like any habit, it may take some work). If you are determined to do it, you will be able to. This page will give you some tips that can help you along the way.

Determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once.

But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind you will have the strength to resist temptations which will come to you.

After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.....

---

Hold on a minute...

Let's think about Item 3 for a minute. According to this guide, just being near someone that jacks off will make you want to jack off too! I did not realize that masturbation was contagious.

How do you go about making friend of like mind? When you chat casually is it okay in Mormon land to just ask if they masturbate, does this topic fit in casual conversation in Mormon circles?

Read the rest HERE. And hope your brain does not explode.

if only...

quite possibly a new sorta staple here on dhp...

if only....

Damage Watch : Wikipedia 1

This is the encyclopedic representation of "Human Body"

Found on wikipdia's entry on Human Body.

Splash

Ah, finally a space to play in the tide of truth without the burden of expectation. Don't we all like to get a little wet?

Damage Watch - Christians

From : fstdt

Just recently my son Bobby came out to me. I had been worried for awhile. His teachers said most of his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and withdrawn.

Bobby said he'd been hiding it for awhile because he was afraid I would reject him. I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are. He started crying saying something along the lines of "I knew you wouldnt understand! You're just like everyone else!" before running to his room and slamming the door.

What did I do wrong? I dont want to lose my son, but I fear I already have. I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. That, or how homosexuality has engulfed the media, making it seem 'cool' and 'hip' and how they were just another oppressed minority. You didnt have to worry about seeing two men making out on tv at my age! I dont want to sound like a fanatic, but Im worried what other effects will come out of this increasingly secular, immoral society obsessed with filth.

Am I too late? Or is it possible to save my son

Concerned Parents.
Damage.

Addendum

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

Concerned CHRISTIAN Parents.
Extra Damage.

Addendum 2

Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these "rocks" at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day.

Concerned CHRISIAN Classmates.
Crazy Damage.

dead

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.) God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan's men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.) I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)" Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

freedom...

i'll let the article explain itself.

i just have one thought: you had your chance

damage