someone at work today asked me if i was going to get married. now some of you know that a long time ago i would have gotten married, but then again back then i was a dumbass that not only ruined my life but the lives of those around me with every blind turn i made. but when it comes to now i can't really say for sure either way.
i guess i could say that i'll wait til it's legal but that would be just a cop out. call me brangelina or something and throw me on a pink website with cum dripping out of my mouth. it's not something that i have really thought about since all the way back then, and now everything is so different. i'm older, but that's a given. i would like to say i'm wiser but maybe i should just say that i'm more experienced. but that is a decision i wouldn't even be prepared to make even if i was a little more traditional.
in an earlier post i mentioned my wife. it was a joke done for his sake mostly but my co-worker asking me that question today sort of made me think. am i ready to make that committment? am i ready to be with someone for the rest of my life? and i honestly don't know. unfortunately most gay men rarely ever confront that question, and i think that more should. sure, there are a mulititude of couples screaming out right now for equal rights and all that nonsense, but what is a marriage but an antiquated custom? at the heart of it really is a simple public announcement of two people that enjoy spending time together solidifiying that emotional contract.
and thinking more, i can almost agree with the religous right's claim that the gay's are trying to ruin marriage. i know. bad fag. but it might be a good thing. we strip down all marriage whether it be gay or straight and take away all governmental priveledges that have been assigned to a mostly religous tradition and bring it back to the simplistic ceremony it started as 1000's of years ago . maybe that's what we should be fighting for, true equality outside of the law, not just within it. equality of souls, not just the bodies they reside within. the reason why this is even plausible is that, in reality, we need to change our paradigm, not just some laws, in order to acheive any sense of equality or understanding.
4/19/2008
gentle sighs of disbelief
4/17/2008
illegal activity
so i am at work right now. it bring me back to when i used to do this every day all day long. i would sit at my workstation and have the little blogger window in the background and between the screams of the innocent and the howls of the judged i would write some fantastically stupid shit that didn't always quite make sense. but a lot of people used to read my old blog for a while. so if i start to do this again maybe i can get readership up and also maybe write some real posts like i used to rather than just random pictures of asian penises and movies about the kkk. plus, i think that since i'm at work my brain is already stimulated and my posts should be slightly more high minded. plus i can't do the whole picture or video thing here anyway due to the firewall. it was like training a crack ho to sit still. see, like right there it just took me 15 minutes to write this sentence. i'm starting to think that things are getting back to normal, or hell even better. we'll see.
4/12/2008
how do you like your steak?
so my wife has this fascination with asian culture, or as he puts it
AZN
so in honor of him, behold: 
4/05/2008
4/03/2008
Aged
Are birthdays meant to be celebrated?
'cuz I don't want a party this year.
Hooray for getting older.
More hooray for getting wiser.
3/31/2008
Ringy Dingy, bitch!
Rule #415
(dedicated to That Guy)
Don't tell a bitch you're gonna call when you ain't plan to call.
Be man (or woman) enough to be honest about your intentions. Although it is my damage, I still feel like I'm not worthy a little bit on the inside. I can own my shit.
Own your shit and tell the truth about where you are.
Boys, just call when you say you'll call. Even if it's to say, "No, thank you."
3/11/2008
Get a Comb, bitch! (pt. 2)
Rule No. 85:
Do your hair.
Comb it, style it, shave it.
Just don't go out in public looking sloppy, on purpose especially.
For more info see Part 1.
3/10/2008
3/08/2008
johnny are you queer?
another blast from the past. remember when tim hardaway said he was homophobic and ann coulter said that john edwards was a faggot? i think this deserves to be resurrected.
rule # 21 - everything old can be new again.
the grim reality of ann coulter is that her remarks weren't entirely accidental. with the race for the presidency already in full swing what better way to make the sheeple look away from the drunken puppetmastery that has killed so many of their brave and obedient sons and daughters than to pick at the scabs of their hemorraged insecurties.
i know i sound like the looming shadow of darth emo, but for every one, person who stands up and realizes the inhumanity of the neocon crusade against a segment of society who are simply asking everyone to destigmatize an alternate expression of love there are those bizarro world born inbreds who think, and i quote, 'first that black guy that bounces a ball for a living and now the hot chick with the adams apple... wooeeee roscoe thats a call for our fag bashin sticks, we can cover up that tape of your sister and the donkey with somethin' else.'
it is reverse psychology used in the most insidious way. by making hate a public slander that is universally reacted to with disgust and disgrace, especially from someone, such as tim hardaway, that is supposed to be a role model, the reactionary zealots see that as a limitation to their freedoms and essentially becomes the proverbial feather tickling the toe of the sleeping giant.
ignorance in any form is viral, and multiplies faster than you can say ozark teen pregnancy. and like nuclear fission research in third world countries, ignorance inevitably acts as the calvary generals saber, a seemingly bright beacon that only leads to despair.
we can, like you, hope that this time more people wake up and smell the rotting white sheets they've worn to protect their private prejudices (or for some their private shame) and from the long sleep of supposed moral socialism to defend their ideals from this corporate sponsored second coming of blind imperialism.
wow. i used to use a lot of big words.
3/02/2008
girl pants and pbr: where did we go wrong
i have to admit that in the past few months i have induldged in the dirty habit of drinking pbr. but when i do so i don't pay 3 dollars for a can of it at some psuedo dive bar that for kitsch value has a mohawk donned fag pretend to dj and play bizarre retro dvd's. i sit alone in the dark, or sometimes with the posse, and wish i had enough money to enjoy a real drink. in other words, i don't advertise the fact that, on occasion, i drink shitty beer. so on my nightly walks imagine the horror i felt witnessing not one, but multiple people walking down the street in girl pants drinking pbr as they mosyed from place to place. oh, and to clarify this was boys in girl pants.
10 years ago we used to roam the streets, like any respectable vagabond would, with our jnco baggies and our clandestine flasks of mountain dew and vodka. our poison was quick, our pants comfortable and in some cases functional. but i still have to think that this new epidemic is somehow our fault, somehow we paved the way for this abomination.
maybe it was when we stopped listening to nine inch nails and started listening to belle and sebastian. maybe it was when we decided to classify ourselves gen x and look down mockingly on this new gen why or whatever they want to call it. i really don't know but i can't help but feel that somehow it is our fault.
or maybe i just feel guilty for listening to my chemical romance.
2/28/2008
Get a comb, bitch!
We're seeing more of this mess every day-- Fags 21-40 with messy hair all piled up on the top of their heads, faking out a mock of a false mohawk. What's this damage of flip-flopped ex-A&F, toilet-swirly brats all wanting to all look alike? They look like suburban republican kids and their pedophile Mr. Mom stepdads. Get a grip, Mary. Swish if you want to, but get your own damn beat. Who would've ever thought gays would be endearing capitalist trappings and white-washed facades. Someone get some Manic Panic up in here!
2/22/2008
the past: almost
this post was on another site. i called it raising arizona.
breathe in
i've thought a lot about karma in the past few days, and karma has nothing but a fucking twisted sense of humor.
i became so stressed out i lost my voice. it wasn't alcohol or cigarettes or any other body damaging vices; those i kept in check. just at one point, i couldn't speak. maybe it was psychosomatic, and it was my higher self knowing that the foul thoughts that were circling my head should never be spoken like the infinite names of cthulu. or conversely, maybe i knew i had said enough, damning most with half sermons even hypocrites like ted haggard would be proud of.
(for example, at one point over the past week i announced that if someone had come hundreds of miles to embarrass themselves and everyone around them then they should all go to their hotel rooms now satisfied with a big fat mission accomplished, and if they needed any other motivation my foot in their ass was a handy option.)
now, alone for the first time discounting sleep in 2 weeks, i get electronic pleas for forgiveness. thanks for your hospitality....sorry you can't go to that bar for a few weeks... i meant i love you like a brother... i'm sure he'll speak to you in a couple weeks... just tell them i did it... i'll make it up to you....
am i bitter and selfish if i don't forgive? am i wrong to want to punish those that have wronged?
i know it sounds like gay drama, but i'm honestly not prone to that in real life, i just play a disgruntled fag on tv. i shouldn't care about my reputation, my social standing, but i do. and when i'm associated with a herd of drunk guys who don't realize that denver really is a mile high and unless you live here you should really watch your intake, or have my connections look at me sideways because i associate with the type that can't walk around the bar without exaggerating their inebriation, is that reason enough to condemn and chastise because it inconvenienced me?
if you didn't live your life right the first time, don't make me relive it all in one weekend as a learning experience.
although not related to my last post, this is an example of things that i used to write almost every day. why i started this blog in the first place. i need to get back there.
sordid kinda life
i thought about him a few times tonight. i saw a guy that sort of looked like his brother, the brave gay one that came out when he was 18 and didn't get married staring down a double barrel of a trust fund. i thought about where i would be.
we would be scrounging for cash, him between jobs and i mired in mine. we would be drowning our sorrows in local publicity, making our name from bar to bar; more to feed our habits and less to actually be personable. on weekends we would see his kids and visit their 'normal' life with a mother that sees us in the same frame as the sixth grade art project on the fridge. we would fight over missing time spent with each other, a forgotten glance or a missed word.
we would be right where we are right now.
but we would be together.
2/17/2008
moderate singing
i went home tonight
and listened to mild musings
and thought a little
it
never happens this way
it shouldn't happen
this way
when i breathe
2/11/2008
2/08/2008
Damage Watch : February
WHOAH!
It's Black History Month.
I don't really know the rules of how this works.
So are we allowed to write about international black women?
What about people that aren't black.
Because I guess the Aborigines aren't black?
Okay anyway though... there was this war once called the Black War (wikipedia will tell you about it), and it starred this lady named Truganini (yeah she uses only one name), and she was a total fighter for women's rights and stuff.
This is her picture.
Happy Black History Month!
2/05/2008
lost found empty
1994 he found me
1998 I lost him
because of me
my fear
my withdrawal
no confidence in joy
ten years later his tears rust my face
it's part of my damage
he will never go away
i worry that his love for me
was my one good chance
maybe my last dance
one more time
it's really all i need
enough disco for me
will i be found again?
2/03/2008
2/02/2008
Damage Watch : Mormons/Masturbation
Overcoming Masturbation
Masturbation is a quickly-forming habit that can adversely affect both men and women of all ages. Despite what some might tell you, masturbation is not harmless. If you are trying to overcome masturbation, be assured that it is possible (even though, like any habit, it may take some work). If you are determined to do it, you will be able to. This page will give you some tips that can help you along the way.
Determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once.
But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind you will have the strength to resist temptations which will come to you.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
- Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
- Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
- If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.....
Hold on a minute...
Let's think about Item 3 for a minute. According to this guide, just being near someone that jacks off will make you want to jack off too! I did not realize that masturbation was contagious.
How do you go about making friend of like mind? When you chat casually is it okay in Mormon land to just ask if they masturbate, does this topic fit in casual conversation in Mormon circles?
Read the rest HERE. And hope your brain does not explode.
1/30/2008
1/26/2008
1/24/2008
Splash
Ah, finally a space to play in the tide of truth without the burden of expectation. Don't we all like to get a little wet?
1/23/2008
Damage Watch - Christians
From : fstdt
Just recently my son Bobby came out to me. I had been worried for awhile. His teachers said most of his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and withdrawn.
Bobby said he'd been hiding it for awhile because he was afraid I would reject him. I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are. He started crying saying something along the lines of "I knew you wouldnt understand! You're just like everyone else!" before running to his room and slamming the door.
What did I do wrong? I dont want to lose my son, but I fear I already have. I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. That, or how homosexuality has engulfed the media, making it seem 'cool' and 'hip' and how they were just another oppressed minority. You didnt have to worry about seeing two men making out on tv at my age! I dont want to sound like a fanatic, but Im worried what other effects will come out of this increasingly secular, immoral society obsessed with filth.
Am I too late? Or is it possible to save my son
Concerned Parents.
Damage.
Addendum
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
Concerned CHRISTIAN Parents.
Extra Damage.
Addendum 2
Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these "rocks" at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day.Concerned CHRISIAN Classmates.
Crazy Damage.
dead
| "I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.) God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan's men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.) I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)" Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath |
1/21/2008
Damage Watch - NFL
Is this actual news?
Antother Baby Step To Equality!
Carey to be first black referee in Super Bowl
Associated Press
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. -- Mike Carey will become the first black referee in Super Bowl history.
Carey, in his 18th year as an official, was notified by the NFL office this week that he had the assignment for the Feb. 3 game in Mesa, Ariz.
The officials at the Super Bowl are chosen on merit, with the highest ranked at each position getting the assignment. Carey, who in his private life runs a skiing accessories company, has been among the NFL's top crew chiefs for a decade and has been a Super Bowl alternate, but has never been the referee.
Black officials have been increasing in number over the years. This season there were 26 on the 17 crews, a single-season high.
Blacks also have been well-represented in the Super Bowl at other positions, starting with Burl Toler, a former player, who was involved of several of the early games.
Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press
1/09/2008
you dumb bastard
i'm angry.
i'm sick.
i'm angry and sick.
every day because of the media whore that i am read stories about the writers strike and about the effects on hollywood. i read about the solidarity of the writers guild and sag. and then i read about what really pisses me off. i read about the underpaid and overused people in the background that now can't feed their families because a small minded group of people that makes more money than 75% of the american public is crying for more money.
you selfish pieces of shit.
i understand your rights to your own work. i understand your sense of entitlement. what i don't understand is how you can ask for more money to fund your overpriced lifestyle while whole businesses shut down because of your inability to compromise. and don't blame it on big business or the man or whatever shit you think is holding you down. it's your own hubris and gluttony that is causing this tragedy.
get over it.
epic fail.
1/06/2008
Damage Watch : Artistic Racism
Burning Man is a terrible excuse for poor behavior. There is a point when what you are doing is no longer art, or performance and you are actually just being ignorant. Case in point:
NEGATIVE CLOWN FACE
This is supposed to be a clown but in negative (notice the green nose) but in reality the green nose cannot hide the fact that your stupid ass is in BLACK FACE!!!
Ignorant.
Now everybody get naked in the desert and pretend this is spiritual!
1/05/2008
1/02/2008
Damage Watch 2008
Damage watch has been put into high gear.
2008 is sure to be filled with the most damaging events silly Bush loving Americans can create with his days in office being this limited. (383 to be exact)
Sincerely,
Team D.H.P.
12/30/2007
12/27/2007
Hired Help, A list.
- Conseula
- Lupita
- Pilar
- Esperanza Guadalupe Chavez
- Rosalinda
- Fidelia
- Ynes
- Juanita
- Eldora
- Ximena
- Guadalupe
- Solana
- Larinda
- Estrellita
12/17/2007
decisions
i thought a lot today about all the horrible decisions i've made in the past 10 years that have brought me to where i am in my life. not that i'm unhappy... well at least not all the time. but darth emo can never be truly happy... it wouldn't match my boots.
anyway, what spawned this voyage into train wreck town's self pity station all started when i saw an ad on tv for jared polis. he's running for congress or some shit and just so happens to be a guy i used to hang out with quite a bit a few years ago. i think, at one time, i may have had a window at a relationship with the guy but i decided against it, and i really don't know why. imagine that, if my partner was some big politico taking me to wonderful soiree's for the gill foundation or parties at scott coors house. and then i thought again.
i don't want to hang out with those trolls.
part of what makes me who i am is that i hold disdain for that ubergay image that most of the self hating fags that run in the charity/political/activism circles try to portray for our community. i like my men dorky and average, who's sexuality isn't the only thing interesting in their conversational toolbox. i don't want to talk about what to tivo on bravo or if i saw the latest docudrama on logo. i don't want to be a part of the fanfare that is the gay life as envisioned by torch song trilogy devotees.
so it makes me think. i may be unhappy. but i'm happier than i would be.
best thing ever!
now this is the best example of culturism that i have ever seen! i thought it was gone from the internets forever, but here for your viewing enjoyment i present....
perfection
12/12/2007
12/06/2007
ethernopian
the kunta bible is funny. i laughed.
to clarify though, those are images from the ethiopian orthodox bible, which is the only bible that shows jesus as any other color than white in the modern world.
so therefore.... jesus is a kunta
12/02/2007
11/28/2007
the right direction
personally i think we should all get together on 12/7 and go see the golden compass. not because its based on a newberry award winning novel that had a higher literacy value than most listed on oprah's brainwashed book club. not because it is a wonderful allegory for modern society along the lines of vonnegut and gaiman. not even because its pretty. no, let's go see it because the catholic extremists told us not to.
the catholic league, i'm sure spearheaded by the masked pope man and his sidekick nambla boy, has joined forces with focus on the family, a group that is so near and dear to my... city, and they have been circulating materials damning the book as a disguised atheist treatise meant to undermine the religious convictions of our oh so indoctrinated youth. regardless of the fact that the underlying theme of the the novel, and the novels which complete the trilogy, is one of compassion, tolerance, and the need to do good for your fellow man at any given opportunity. so what if the antagonising presence in the story is an antiquated religious hierarchy intent on controlling the known universe? what does that have to do with the catholic church? oh.... yeah.
what i find funny is that they would rather your 'impressionable' children go see movies like shrek, filled with thinly veiled sexual innuendo and fart jokes disguised as an all too transparent fable, than go see a film that actually might teach them something of value.
so therein lies the stupidity of these so called 'watchdog' groups. by protecting our children they are leaving them even more open to the cruelties of the real world and leaving them less prepared to face an increasingly dismal looking future.
so go see the golden compass. take your kids, your sister's kids, the formaldehyde fetuses from the mantle. if anything, just to piss off the pope.